If you're no longer in a church or struggle with the one you're a part of, what do you wish your pastor/priest/minister/leader knew?It was a good question and I was surprised by my answer. I anticipated writing about how hurt I was, how I was struggling to recover, how awful his behaviour had been. I expected to make a long list, perhaps driven by pain and a desire for recompense.
But when I sat and considered what I genuinely wished he knew, I felt sadness, yes, so very much sadness, but I wasn't angry and could discern no longing for revenge or restitution. I wrote this.
I wish the leader of my previous church knew that he was completely loved by God no matter what size congration he led. I wish he knew that his behaviour was hurting people. I wish he knew that I was never a threat to him or his congregation even when I was trying to address the fact that I had experienced his behaviour as bulling. I wish he knew that I wanted nothing more than to reach understanding and maintain healthy boundaries in our working relationship and friendship. I wish he knew how to relate to people without attempting to control or exert power over them. I wish more than anything that he knew freedom from his pain and brokennessAnd I felt compassion for myself and for him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to throw myself back into his crazy, toxic world. But for the first time I didn't feel fear. I didn't feel the talons of post traumatic stress spiking into my stomach and twisting my insides.
Maybe only a tiny step, but a step nonetheless, and it feels good for now.
