red flags

So I've wondered about this. Listing the warning signs that the leader of my church was misusing his position doesn't seem to tie up with 1 Corinthians' description of love as keeping 'no record of wrongs'. To be honest I'll probably never be sure but I don't think my motivation is to record wrongs. I'm writing because research says it helps. I'm writing to make sense of my experiences, searching for coherence amongst a fractured, tangle of memories. Im writing because there was a stage in my recovery process where reading others' stories was so, so important. I'm not writing for revenge and I don't imagine the perpetrator of these wrongs will ever read the list.

I'm also aware that I have my own faults. This isn't a list to demonstrate my perfection or to claim victim status. It's just a list and I think it will help me to write it*.

1. Grandiose declarations. 

On one of his first visits to our house he stated that he could be Prime Minister if he wanted to be and I'm 99% sure he meant it. 

In a staff prayer meeting he detailed a 'vision' of troops lined up for battle while the captain rode up and down the line in front, encouraging and exhorting them to fight. I expected the captain to be Jesus, but no, he continued by explaining that he was the captain, rallying his staff and church as they prepared for battle.

During another staff meeting he suddenly announced that he would step in front of a bullet for any one of us. I don't know if we were meant to be impressed or grateful, but last I checked none of us were being pursued by gun wielding lunatics. I would have been more grateful for a simple 'well done' or 'have a contract of employment'.

*This list is currently incomplete. Because of their traumatic nature many of my memories are stored in fragments. As I remember each fragment I will add them here, gradually piecing together and integrating more of the whole experience.