forgiveness criteria

One of the quickest ways to launch my blood pressure skyward is to adopt a stance on forgiveness that looks something like this:-

• You have to forgive your abuser otherwise you are liable to experience all kinds of problems arising from this lack of forgiveness. These problems could range from chronic or terminal illness, to financial ruin and disaster. Henceforth anything negative in your life might result from your lack of forgiveness.

or:

• You will know when you have forgiven someone because you will feel at peace. You will no longer experience anger, sadness or anxiety as a result of their behaviour because the act of forgiveness will bring you healing from all negative effects. Conversely, if you are still experiencing anger, sadness or anxiety, then this can be taken as proof that you haven't forgiven properly or fully and is therefore your fault.(Living Liminal writes eloquently about this here)

or: 

• If you have truly forgiven then you will be reconciled with your abuser and you will no longer need to refer to those past events. You will henceforth be able to relate to him/her as if nothing bad has ever happened between you. Any difficulty relating to him/her may again provide evidence of your forgiveness defecit.

or:

• A gruesomely manipulative cocktail of all the above. 

Honestly, I'm feeling stressed just writing those statements!

Partly because I have heard versions of these beliefs from unexpected sources. Otherwise intelligent people appear to exchange their thoughtful, compassionate selves for religious rigidity when it comes to forgiveness. It wouldn't be so bad if that rigidity wasn't itself manipulate and abusive, another heavy load for a wounded heart to carry.  

And partly because I know that these words, in various formats are being uttered by Christians to hurting abused people around the world. People longing for safety and refuge are being told that unless they fulfill certain forgiveness criteria then God is either unable or unwilling to facilitate their healing and restoration.

And whilst forgiveness remains a part of my spiritual practice (I will be writing more on this topic), I refuse to agree with the forgiveness criteria. That baggage is not mine, or yours to carry.