Humans have a tendency to to look for scapegoats - individuals or groups who are blamed for difficulties and problems, regardless of whether or not they are guilty. In the old testament the Israelites used real goats, sending them out into the wilderness. Today we only have to read the paper or listen to our politicians to see that we still scapegoat, choosing certain groups or individuals to blame for society's ills, sending them out into the wilderness of poverty, loneliness and shame.
There was a time in my life when I realised that a group of people I loved in my church were forming that response towards me. As humans we don't do well when we are shamed and shunned, and the traumatic stress of this experience triggered anxiety and depression that caused such relentless suffering I longed for the respite of death.
It was a darkness beyond any I have ever experienced and, during that time, there was no sense of God and no being comforted by feeling Their loving presence.
And so on Friday, as I read Matthew's crucifixion narrative I was drawn to to his description of Jesus. I saw a man immersed in an unnatural darkness, questioning God, "Why, why have you abandoned me?". I saw a man who was also scapegoated by people he loved, who also experienced suffering and, literally in this instance, profound darkness.
I saw a man at his time of greatest need feeling abandoned by God.
Since my traumatic experience, many portrayals of God are no longer helpful for me. But as I cautiously tiptoe towards the core of my faith, I find this scapegoat God, an abandoned by God God, and a God who models what it is to continue to love - even when scapegoated, even when feeling abandoned, even in the place of unbearable suffering and darkness.
For me, this God represents safety and understanding. This kind of God turns power on its head. They call out leaders for their oppressive and bullying ways. They demand that we question our own scapegoating tendencies, asking us to take responsibility for the consequences of our demands for punishment and blame.
And, if we ourselves are among the many who have been on the receiving end of this kind of stigma and shaming, this kind of God identifies with us, becomes one of us and throws us a lifeline of love in the midst of Their own unbearable darkness.
