process

Writing a blog. Why am I here? Why now? I've thought about it before, but never felt a strong enough push. It seemed a luxury, self indulgent even. But now I think I need to write. Not for anyone else, although maybe I'd like some 'readers'. But I need to process and I think words on a page might help.

It's hard to know where to start. Right now I'm waiting, paused for breath between old and new. I can't quite see 'new' and I feel sad when I think about 'old'. Now is definitely OK, but it's hard to be present without past and future competing for attention.

And I find it really hard to just state the facts plainly. Maybe because those facts don't seem enough for the emotions that go with them. Paragraph three and I've managed vague references to old and new. Why can't I just say that 'old' is my church of twenty one years. My church that I'm leaving. And 'new' is a different church, perhaps a different outworking of my faith. Just writing those three sentences and I'm crying. I'm so, so sad.

So I'm going to write because I need to acknowledge how I feel. For almost seven years I've thought my emotions should be hidden. Particularly in church. But not just hidden. I've ignored my feelings, thought they weren't trustworthy. Ignoring turned out badly in the end. Perhaps more about that next time.