reconciliation...

Another long gap. It will soon be two years since we limped away from our church of 21 years. Many people expected my views would change as time went by, I would be "less emotional", see things more clearly,

They were right. I am a bit less emotional and, from a distance, the view is clearer. But it's not the view they were expecting.  Put bluntly, I'm now certain I was bullied and exploited by a church leader who displays many traits of a narcissistic personality. It's possible it was unintentional. It's possible that his sense of entitlement is such that he believes his behaviour was appropriate. I realise now how churches can provide the perfect environment for narcissistic leadership to thrive.

A few weeks ago the leader of our new church sent us an email. Apparently the leader of our previous church had been in contact.

He has had a dream about you and has been thinking.  He doesn’t expect to reach agreement with you about all things but he does have a strong desire for reconcilliation nonetheless.  I believe he is looking to make peace and move on not drag up history.  Thus he would like to invite you to meet.  He is happy for me to be present.

Great. Reconciliation. That must be good right? But I felt anything but good reading the email. I felt trapped. We were being offered a meeting where discussing the past would be "dragging up history". We were to "move on" otherwise we would be obstructing reconciliation.

Eighteen months ago we were the ones offering to meet, suggesting it on two occasions as we left the church. When we observed that our offer hadn't been taken up, we received the strangest of replies. "May we remind you that the refusal to meet is yours" he wrote. We have assumed he was referring to our request for more time a few months previously, when he had asked that my husband present himself before the elders, seemingly to find out if we were "with him, heart and soul". In the same letter he requested that we didn't communicate with him directly, from now on we were to communicate with him only through the leader of the church we were about to join.

As I've written that paragraph I can feel some of the emotions, the confusion, the fear, the sadness. How could a request for time be twisted in such a way? Why such blatant triangulation tactics? How could the elders and trustees, our friends, agree and put their names to such a letter?

This is not a world to which it would be wise to return. If nothing else the email demonstrates that very little has changed. Perhaps if it had, the email might read more like this.

He has had a dream about you and has been thinking. He is sad about how things ended between you and is wondering if you would still like to meet. If you do he is interested in pursuing reconciliation together. Given the past he realises that this could be a painful process and you may not feel able to go through more pain at this time. The offer is open ended and if you would like to start this process then he would like you to contact him, if and when you feel ready. 

I don't think we will ever receive an email like that.