forgiveness can wait

I wanted to take the time this weekend to write something about forgiveness but it's not going to happen just yet.

The reason? Well, I saw a few people today at my son's school fair. People from my old church who used to be close, who I would turn to in times of crisis. People who trusted me in return. I walk past one couple and it's as if we've never met. My heart rate rises as we approach. How should I act? Should I smile or say "Hi" or would that make it worse? At one point I brave a look, determined to smile and be friendly but their faces were turned the other way....I can't tell if it was deliberate or not. I don't imagine they are feeling any better about it than I am.

Another couple are more approachable. Our friendship spans over two decades. We used to share everything....except my belief that I was bullied by the church leader, they have told me they see that one differently. Recently they became assistant campus pastors in my previous church, a position that wouldn't be given to anyone questioning the senior leaders. I find it much harder with them. We are polite, avoiding the gargantuan elephant wedged between us. After a few minutes I feel the familiar weight of grief mingling with fear and confusion. Any longer and my emotions will flashback to those last days in my previous church. I might burst into tears or beg them to understand me, which they can't...or won't. Hurriedly I excuse myself and slip away.

So now I'm home. I'm OK, but my brain is skittering from one experience to another. My emotions are tangled, unfathomable and my body is a little more alert than it needs to be. I recognise the mild symptoms of post traumatic stress and I know that within a few days, possibly even tomorrow, I will feel 'normal' again and it will be difficult to imagine this jumbled and spiky experience.

I won't be writing anything profound about forgiveness today, forgiveness can wait. Ironically that was the point I was going to make anyway.