premature forgiveness

My previous post examined some frankly revolting approaches to the subject of forgiveness and whilst I did hint at a more positive angle (which I will write about eventually) I think it's really important to focus on the risks first.

Researching for an assignment last year, I discovered several articles which highlighted the very real dangers of 'premature forgiveness', a term previously unknown to me, in spite of having listened to many forgiveness sermons during my 40 years.

As I read, it was as if someone had prised open a clunky old door in my head, leaving me stunned on the threshold, blinking in unfamiliar light.

It has been repeatedly emphasized that Christians are particularly prone to forgiving too quickly due to the following reasons: The weight forgiveness is given in the Christian tradition, the awareness of its healing power, plus a lack of knowledge about its inherent psychological requirements.

Although executed with best intentions, the process may not be completed and thus, instead of the growth-enhancing transformation, the victim may be faced with lower self-esteem, damaged self-respect and a raised level of anxiety around offence and offender (Holmgren, 2002; Puka, 2002). There is nothing liberating for the victim in premature forgiveness except for the superficial restoration of peace. Creating awareness about its danger as well as elucidating the preconditions of genuine forgiveness seems therefore to be of some urgency within these religious settings.*

In that moment, those words were life to me. Those times I'd been pressured into announcing "I forgive you" weren't healthy and whilst it hadn't helped me recover, everyone seemed convinced it was the only way. 'Lower self-esteem, damaged self respect and a raised level of anxiety around offence and offender'. I could tick all of those boxes, with anxiety levels beyond bearable, and if these words were true, then it wasn't because of some flaw or hypersensitivity in me, it was because a process which was meant to take place over a long time, was being shoehorned into a couple of hours, for the convenience of everyone except me.

Premature forgiveness is dangerous and causes genuine psychological harm.

Moreover, Glaeser's article continued, 

If the offender is interested in the victim’s well being, he/she will seek to avoid anything that could lead to premature forgiveness and further harm. 

I could almost laugh. Nothing about my interactions with the leader of my previous church suggested that he would do anything other than hold up 'forgiveness and move on' as the only way forward. Any requests for time and space were met with disapproval and messages requesting we stepped down from church activities 'due to the current situation'.

I feel sad that the church of all places has become known for it's dangerous approach to forgiveness. I hope and pray that we can learn a better way.


* Glaeser, M. (2008) What does it take to let go? An investigation into the facilitating and obstructing factors of forgiveness – the therapist’s perspective. In Counselling Psychology Quarterly Vol 21 (4) pp 337-348