forgiveness

I'm definitely reluctant to write about the positive aspects of forgiveness and I've been trying to understand why. It probably has a lot to do with the way forgiveness is brandished at hurting people, sometimes maliciously, but often by well-intentioned, though somewhat prescriptive individuals.

Also, my practice of forgiveness is just that, my practice. It is simply the way that works for me in this current moment and it may bear no resemblance to what someone else needs to be doing right now.

I have had to balance decades of premature forgiving, mostly out of fear of the consequences of not forgiving, with a newly discovered freedom to be angry about injustice and boundary violations. For years I lived as if those two things were mutually exclusive, now I'm working out a more nuanced approach.

I'm in a place where I'm holding hurt, that complex entanglement of anger and sadness, and allowing it to teach me about healthy patterns of relating to myself and others. At the same time, I'm nurturing forgiveness toward those who have wronged me, because it's something I want to do. I'm not afraid anymore, of the consequences of unforgiveness. Those dire warnings I heard as a child about being riddled with bitterness, or ill health, or worse if I didn't immediately forgive, are losing their stranglehold.

There are, undoubtedly benefits to forgiving others. Studies have shown that genuine forgiveness, can bring improvements to mental and physical health*. But anger and sadness may also serve a useful purpose. These emotions teach us where it might be wise for our boundaries to begin and end. They teach us about our values, how we want to treat others and how we need to be treated. In this context, I am more able to truly forgive, instead of rushing through the process as a sacrificial offering to a God who will punish me if I don't follow the right steps.

I've often been told that God can't begin healing a person who hasn't forgiven. I no longer believe that to be true. In fact, I think we discredit God's wisdom and character when we make such statements. But without the baggage of those old beliefs I am now free to choose. Forgiveness or unforgiveness. For me, this is the only place where forgiveness can be genuine anyway.



* E.L. Worthington Jr & S.J. Sandage ~ Forgiveness and Spirituality in Psychotherapy: A Relational Approach.