Listening

A couple of months ago I was given a surprise gift. Participating in some research, I was asked to describe my experience of friendship and mental health.

"I'd like you to be able to talk as freely as possible" the researcher stated, "I'm just here to listen".

And listen he did. He maintained eye contact, he didn't interrupt, he sat with my silences, he prompted with gentle, insightful questions, he reflected my words and emotions, he offered no judgement. All I could infer from his response was kindness and acceptance.

And, whilst revisiting some specific memories, in place of the usual increasing heart rate, confusion and fear, I became aware of a sense of safety. The passage of time, combined with this researcher's ability to create an affirming atmosphere, was enabling previously disordered memories to settle into a narrative I could understand. 

Now I understand that a researcher in this area should demonstrate active listening skills - but this man was GOOD and he seemed to care. I’m still thankful for this encounter and I’m also inspired. I want to listen that well, not just in the counselling room, but with friends and (perhaps the biggest test of all) with family. 

But, as is frequently the case, I also feel frustrated. Why don't we run into this kind of experience more often? Particularly in our churches, why do so many confide, "There's no one I can really talk to about this"? If we are eager to love others, why aren't we overflowing with people willing to commit to the hard work of listening? Carl Rogers spent a lifetime pioneering psychological research and remained convinced that simply listening with non-judgemental understanding and empathy was one of the best methods, if not the best method, of helping people. So, if we genuinely want to help, why don’t we value listening more highly? Why do we make heroes out of those who preach and lead and run around attending oh so many meetings without ever evaluating their capacity to hear what another individual is saying?

  

I believe that every time someone shares their experience and, instead of trying to listen, we hand out opinions, solutions and judgement, we are choosing to forget that in front of us is a person made in the image of God. 

Every time we strive to really hear however, to work at understanding what the world looks like from another perspective, we are offering a gift - a gift that can soothe loneliness and pain, nurture self esteem and confidence and facilitate healing and growth.

Somehow, the version of Christianity I'm familiar with doesn't seem to give more than a passing nod to the profound value of listening. I think that means we're hurting people who long to be heard. Surely we need to learn a different way.