The researchers also noted:-
...all the memories positioned the protagonists as being responsible for other people's well-being. By being made to apologise the girls were taught to accept responsibility for the effects that their actions had on others, even when these were unintended. Crawford et al (1992) proposed that this purpose is gendered, in that adult women tend to feel responsible for other people's emotional well-being even when they have no power to control it.
Now this is a tricky area. If I say something, intending to be helpful, and it turns out to be insensitive or hurtful to the recipient then I may still wish to apologise if that recipient brings it to my attention. It may also follow that I will feel some distress at having caused pain to another, albeit unintentionally. What I would not then expect however, is that same recipient to apologise to me for the sadness caused by bringing it to my attention (unless they had used violent or unduly aggressive means of course but that would be a different issue) They haven't done anything wrong. In fact it may have taken great courage to bring it to my attention, even more so if I hold any position of power or influence in that recipient's life.
And yet, this was my experience in church. When I raised the difficulty I was experiencing due to the behaviour of the leader he immediately turned the focus upon the pain he was feeling as a result of my 'accusations'. Others came to me, telling me how hurt he was, how disrespectful I was being. His daughter-in-law told me how upsetting it had been for her to even consider whether he was abusive or not.
If I had repented and retracted my words as I had in the past, then I am sure that I would have been welcomed back into the fold, with regular reminders of my bad behaviour and the distress I had caused. 'Power relations within the household' would have been restored with me in the subordinate position. There were in fact times that I did express sorrow over how difficult the situation was for him. But eventually I realised that I wasn't responsible for his emotions, I was responsible for mine and my emotions were in need of safety, understanding and comfort which couldn't be found in that environment. Heartbroken, but taking responsibility for myself I chose to seek out healing and grace and I don't regret that choice at all.
* Introducing Qualitative Research in Psychology. 3rd ed. C. Willig (2013)
"...he immediately turned the focus upon the pain he was feeling as a result of my 'accusations'."
ReplyDeleteNow that sounds familiar! It's all about me and my pain... until it's all about you and your evil behaviour...
Yes, horribly familiar!
ReplyDeleteI was one if those who had to say sorry as a child to calm the waters of emotions of others that threatened to engulf me if I didn't. This was very bad patterning for my adult years where I would even say sorry to others - family, friends and church folks for things I didn't do as I was scared by their emotions and what they might do to me. Well, gradually I've woken up and I am realising that what it actually is is manipulation and control on their part and I don't have to play the game. I am getting stronger and being able to enforce no contact boundaries with a few is a testament of that despite continuing taunting from one of those church folks in particular. I can only be responsible for my emotions, not others and I choose to be safe, not sacrifice myself to make someone feel good through trying to controlling me through their emotions, intimidation tactics or goading.
ReplyDelete
DeleteI'm so glad to hear that you have broken out of that toxic programming you had inflicted on you as a child. Choosing to be safe is one of the wisest decisions - but often hardest too - that we can make. I am still working on making decisions that are right for me without being afraid of other people's emotions - the freedom and healthiness gained keeps me going on that one!